This Morning 12/22/12 Holiday Ho-Hum

It's not the best time of the year for me.  First, it's cold.  Second, Christian religious traditions aren't very interesting to me.  Third, I deplore commercialism.  Christmas is a three strikes event.  I admit there is a tiny bit of nostalgia which springs more from habit than anything.  If I lived where the weather is warm, I would not even notice the Christmas thing.

The problem with my "holiday ho-hum" is the expectation accompanying the holiday stuff.  Gift-giving is still being practiced in my family, but fortunately the X-mas tree in my house is a thing of the past.  I think my kids got the idea when one year, instead of spending $25 to buy one, I painted a tree on a sheet and hung it on the wall.  (I've always encouraged creativity!) Thank goodness greeting cards have given way to email!  That saves a ton of time and energy.  I admit I am engaging in one tradition of sorts.  I wrote a letter this year - one of those "year in review" types.  It's great fun to write a synopsis of the year.  Deciding what is important, what is not.  Dissecting how and what I want to say, and what I would rather keep private.

This past year has been all about successfully embracing change.  My identity has shifted majorly from independent artiste to adult student in public health, my employment situation has shifted twice, I graduated from one institution of higher learning and enrolled in another, my hair is highlighted with long strands of unpigmented silvery white, I've lived alone for the first time in over two decades, and I'm clearly not willing to settle for a love relationship just to have one!  It's been a good year in many ways.

The holiday ho-hum is always brightened, nonetheless, by the music not shared at any other time of the year.  This, to me, is the holiday's greatest gift.  No matter how nontraditional I can be, there are few things that give me as much joy as singing Christmas Carols with my sister, my daughter, my mother or other friends who are good singers!  That, in fact, is where the ho-hum takes a hike!

Last night, at a friend's annual holiday party, I sang carols with a few dear people to me - a "hunka" sister (adopted in heart and spirit), and an old musician friend who has a wonderful baritone voice.  Our spontaneous in-the-kitchen festive sing-a-long was the highlight of my evening.

More singing will glisten the next few nights until the lights go out on this holiday and we put away the songs for another year.  Ho - Hum, I guess I'll just have to hum my way through the ho-ho-ho!

This Morning 12/19/12 Which Side?

The Solstice on 21 December is coming and people are gathering either for the renewal or for the rapture.  Which side are you on?

The fading of the darkening light will give way to gravity turning and pulling earth's Northern Hemisphere toward the Sun, pushing the Southern Hemisphere away.
Which side are you on?

Heavy hearts will remember times past and either cry in sorrow or laugh in joy?
Which side are you on?

The choice of how we interpret each moment is either ours or our predecessor's.
Which side are you on?

This Morning 12/18/12 Abandonment

In the wake of all these arguments
What is it like to be 22?
I don't remember anything
Only that I wrote

The journals I scribbled
Everyday
Urgently documenting
Every thought
Feeling
Judgment
Excruciating realization

Was I really that important to myself?

Abandonment
Triggers
Distortion
Of reality
Of thought
Of emotion
Of interpretation
Of compassion
Of connection
Of hope

Trigger...
That which
When pulled
Can kill
Or maim
Or cripple

Even the threat of
The trigger
The abandonment
Distorts

I think I remember
Now

This Morning (2) 12/16/12 The Children and the Boy

The Children have been massacred in Newtown CT.  Twenty first graders shot and killed at point blank range, 3-7 times each, in one classroom.  Six teachers, all women, shot and killed.  A 20-year old boy, once a chid with dreams, then shot and killed himself to flee the reality.   Before this boy massacred the Children and teachers, he shot and killed his own mother.  He used his mother's own gun to kill.

There is no explanation or sense of "reason" that could ever explain this carnage.  But we try.  I will try.  Probably though, I will fail miserably and miss the mark completely.  That's okay though.  At least I will try.

The boy's parents divorced a few years ago.  The boy's father has a new family.  The boy had a mother who drank at a bar (according to reports of the bartender) three times a week.  The boy was socially awkward.  The boy's only brother lived two hours away.  The boy was alone.  The mother had guns in the house and loved guns.  The boy shot guns with his mother.  The boy was brought up around this and accepted guns as part of life.  Guns kill.  The boy was angry about something.  The boy was lonely.  The boy felt abandoned.  The boy had a "split" inside himself.  The boy couldn't take it anymore.  The boy felt powerless.  The boy felt desperate.  The boy wanted out.  The boy couldn't control himself or his thoughts.  Or his actions.

The Children are sacred.
The Children are sacred.
The Children are sacred.
The Children are sacred.

The Children were Children.

The teachers sacrificed themselves in protection of The Children.
The teachers did the very best they could do.

And all we can do is watch and cry and try to explain.

This Morning 12/16/12 Facing the Back Here

For several months, it has been nearly impossible to find the time or energy to write every morning, as is my commitment.  Job transitions, identity issues related to returning to college, family crises, and the burden of coursework worth 16 credits has engulfed every cell of my being.  However, now, I have passed into a time of rest.  The semester has ended with respectable grades, my new job is going well, and the family issues seem to be leaning toward clarity.  Now, I'm back!

Facing the back here simply means that I can now again, every morning, begin the day writing.  The commitment to my life from which this writing "place" began has been secured.  And yet, I still need to work on some writing.  I also need to play piano and sing!  Can someone please slow down the years so I can get all these things accomplished!?!