Jumping into the Water
I am on a boat - it's a large luxury liner type of boat. There are only myself and a man left on it. The others, of which I can only see two swimming off, have jumped some 10 meters down into the water and are swimming towards the shore. The night is falling. I am gathering my things - glasses, keys, phone - to take with me into the water when I jump. Stuffing these things into my pants pockets, I am afraid I will lose them if I jump. My shoes are on. I see it is getting close to dark and know I have nearly 200 meters to swim to safety after I hit the water. The water will be cold and I may lose my things. Something is holding me back. I realize it is, somewhat, this man, who is more reticent to jump into the water than I. He is stiff, almost robot-like in his affectations. He is stubborn and doesn't want to go. He isn't afraid, he just isn't going to jump into the water.
This dream came last night after I had explored the possibility of staying in Pennsylvania to attend college for my bachelor's degree. It would be much cheaper to do so and I would still be nearby for my daughter. I have been seriously considering a move to North Carolina to attend University of North Carolina. Financially, I would go into major debt to move and pay out-of-state tuition costs. If I stay here in-state, my costs will be reduced dramatically. In another two years, I would have a B.S. in Public Health/Community Education with a minor concentration in Jazz Studies (because I know the program is excellent at this school).
It makes more sense to do this - and maybe this is the boat. Maybe the water/the shore around which the sky is darkening represents my moving farther away, taking the plunge to something bolder. Water is a symbol of spirit, emotions and movement, but this body of water wasn't moving per se; it was a channel through which to swim towards another shore.
A prominent theme in the dream is "getting ready." I kept getting ready to jump, but never actually did jump.
Last night, I visited an old folk club where I have spent many nights over the last 20 years. I knew many people at the concert and we are all aging - some for better or worse. It felt good to be among them; to feel like I belonged somewhere. It was, simultaneously, a strange feeling, after spending so much time lately up on this hill alone.
The water is unknown. It's dark and cold, but leads somewhere; to an unknown place. Really, it's all an unknown place. Every step is unknown if we really admit it. I suppose we can sit awhile until we get ourselves secure enough - ready enough - to take the next step. But whether we step once to the left, once to the right, or jump straight down into the water, we are just killing time. Whether you kill time with a water pistol or an atom bomb or something in between, it's merely a choice. Is one better or worse? Not really; just different.
I'm way too experienced to think I have any answer that is "right." But I do have an answer that is "mine." If I'm going to jump into the water, I'm going to do it in my own time.
